Now, hold on here ‘cause this is a wobbly rickety slope. You’re almost certainly hearing me say “Come with me! Wind down this hill of ‘IDGAF’ at my side and feel the airstream of yology blow through your hair as you sail away from heap loads of homework, towards infinite freedom!” I’m not saying that. Not at all. I mean that’s bs. My point is—students should just focus to learning and grow there on. That’s it. On a side note, I’m at home skipping classes ‘cause transportation strike. There’s a lesson in that, I swear!
Cause you have taken all the wind out from my sails And I have loved you just the same
- I haven’t had time to study what my mind has become in the past couple of months, I did study my majors: Botn100 Chem2A MarBio100 instead.
- I am falling harder and harder in love with the course I chose to take. It’s all about depth and I guess that’s how I am growing and it was funny how people go for shallowness. Now, it’s sort of sad that makes me want to have a turtle (so I’ll teach it to purr and hug me).
- I’m writing a lot of letters I’ll never send in my journal and in scratches, I write poems and proses that are little messes of a word that I’ll still keep. I ink them down mostly in jeepney rides, mostly on my way home. Also, I’m leaving a lot of notes to people lately.
- You could find me either in the canteen or at LRC in my free time. And if my classes end early, go to Fully Booked 2nd floor-ish the one with another set of stairs leading through a balcony of some sort. Go to the corner. You’d find me there. Either me, or a piece of me I left after soaking into something beautiful.
- Milo is becoming my staple drink.
- I’ve been doing a lot of really cool stuffs in a resourceful kind of cool (y’know ‘cos I’m broke and all). Sucks that I have no acceptable phone to document it.
- It is important that I’m both cute and powerful. It’s dangerous that I am, meow.
College is beyond wonderful in a way I never imagined it to be. I feel like I’m always dancing.
This night has been so completely devastating in its beauty and its love and its everything. I used to worry that when I looked back, I never capture truly vivid memories of moments when my heart was so full I could barely breathe, like moments to live for. That morning I was puddled in a web of negativity and now I regretted that maybe I should have not smiled so sad or laughed when I’m just feeling bad. Or danced so blue, and saying to everybody else that I do, when I don’t. But then, that’s how I am stitched out to cope on things and hush myself to be okay. But tonight was the perfect ending and the perfect beginning at once. It feels like the universe is made small for me tonight, like the universe conspired to the sun to make itself small enough to fit in my little calloused hands, just for me, because I’ve earned it. Tonight felt like I earned it.
Being surrounded by people you love and who care for you in the sincerest way they can possibly do and mug and pizzas and candles and long hugs and dock and the water and and lighting a skylantern like a lost star trying to light the dark is oooooh aahh woooow. I’m feeling grateful and warm and a little cold but just enough to pull a sweater on and I’m feeling ready to brave and take on and conquer for all that has to come, ready for all I have to hold and carry on with me. And on top of everything, I think I’m proud of myself and overwhelmed that I finally am, that I can finally say, ‘yes, tang, you earned this, you did this, you made it, you deserve it, you loves you you sexy bitch with an ass that doesn’t quit. you go princess’
I have 2 distressed knights who took me home and an army that wished me a happy happy birthday. I cried myself to sleep because then I finally understood how I’m never as alone as I make myself out to be.
Yas sugar, I’m such a baby sometimes.
I’m little, but I’m coming for the crown
Rain was spitting against my windowsill and the roof was caving in so close that I had to get away. And voila, another impromptu café jaunt resulting from one of my tantrums of being stagnantly nowhere. Two of my favorite Homo sapiens sapiens treated me all the food I crave to celebrate “birthday bash part I” as Tin dubbed it. They probably won’t be around when I hit another digit in the counter of existence as for the reason they comforted me with food. Most of my special ones won’t be and that’s kinda sad. But I’m here for myself and that’s soothing. I guess I don’t need anyone else, at this point in my life, to tell me that I’m loved, to tell me that I’m beautiful in my own sort of way. I know that already and there’s not a person that I can give myself to right now except for me. There’s not a boy (or a girl perchance I’m bi) in this world worth it to lose myself again. Except for Augustus Waters of course.
Everything is just so cyclical that way. When I’m wedged up in a mesh of pessimism and just lazing around feeling like the world is finally going to stab the dagger that it’s been holding at my throat all the way through my skin — the only placate that I can plunge backside on is that it gets better. Everything is so dreamy right now then everything would be fucked up again. But that too, would end. So it goes as it goes like how we exit Starbucks to enter home even when home is not that stable concept we used to hold any longer. It’s all very silly that way, you know?
I slept that night between piled blankets while the fog and the rain cleaned everything away as I hope. And hope, and hope, and hope. I’m not getting any younger this way. Oh God, ew.
(This was supposed to be a super happydappy post ‘til I went sappy)
(You should just really go give them both the biggest hugs from me. They’re just incredible like u g h and I love them both like u g h)
One day more,
These are words for 17 people who holds a big big part in my heart.
- I still wear your jersey and it still smells and feels like you. Sometimes you can only feel something by its absence. By the empty spaces it leaves behind. God, I miss you and I will always miss you the most. No other boy could beat the king.
- Sorry for using you as an escape. I wouldn’t make you love me any more by giving myself away like this.
- I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. Then there you are, thank you for all the food and fixing.
- My skin was bleeding and you asked me if it hurts. And I said no. You said I was numb. I was.
- Love is not an excuse and I am no metaphor. And sometimes, I’m busy saving myself, too.
- You stopped me from running away from everything. And I thank the Heavens to have found you to run towards chiefly to all that I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person that I am today. How are we not tired of each other yet?
- I am seeing less and less of you. It hurts to imagine a world without you.
- You’re fine just being yourself. You’re loved for just being you. I love you for being you. You should not have to rip yourself into pieces to keep others whole. I need you to try. You’re invincible to me.
- No, don’t grow up baby.
- I can still see the sparks dancing with each other in the distance. You don’t know me. Not anymore. I am not the same. I am not the same. You will never know how I love you so.
- Everything that dies in some way returns and that’s the memory of you that haunts me still. But you know what, you deserve each other and I’m so so happy for you. It just kind of hurts how we make better strangers than we ever did anything else. Sorry for screwing up. In a perfect world, it doesn’t have to be this way. Our 11:11s didn’t seem to cooperate too.
- There’s something so tragic about you, something so magic about you; something lonesome about you, something so wholesome about you. Get closer to me ‘cause there’s something wretched about this, something so precious about this. Something broken about this, but I might be open about this. Yes, this is a song and oh, what a sin.
- I’m pretty sure I didn’t meet you for nothing. It’s hard to keep you around but I am doing something about it. I have a million things to talk to you about. A million things we have to talk about.
- Remember that when the bridges ever break and you feel like drowning. I know how to dive and I’ve got stronger lungs. Call me.
- Can’t you see, I am so selfish. I am so selfish of myself. Our names somehow engaged themselves out of wedlock and I kept running around in circles, away from the feeling of being obliged ‘cause I’d feel caged and then I’d be goddamned. But you love me anyway that it can feel too much, but this is not it. This is not the too much I was looking for. Even so, ours was love, in its simplest, truest form. Maybe one day, I’ll love you and I’ll mean it, jk. Que sera sera.
- You are so much like me. I am so much like you. Let’s travel a map.
- I said what I said but you know what I mean. I think that you’ve figured out everything, but I think I know my geography pretty better. You will always be the constant cue that I always have a reason to get up from bed no matter how terrible life is. You are my raison d’être.
11 days away to 17,
Well this one’s a pure epic. I was not well-aware that I was an attendee for this first TEDx talk in Cebu and in a greater scope, first in the Visayas because 1.) I haz no phone when I was applying for this and 2.) my email account went mad and emotional by its own, it won’t open. It was not until my friends, Issa and Gumi who were also attendees for the event texted me craycrayly that I was supposedly an attendee. Of course, I ran all the life of me to CAFA Theatre where the event was held. I really came in late so I cannot summarize my thoughts on the different issues in the talk. Anyhow, I have a lot of cool-people-feels aftermath!
The speakers are so incredible. They are so human. They are so terrified but so fierce and so bold. They are so flawed but so real. There was so much unmistakable passion in the room, and we all began to stand and clap at some point, and we were all so touched by the stories that after the talk a handful of us stayed behind, just because it felt like going out that hall would mean leaving off so much of that hope.I guess the last speaker, Insoy Ninal on loving Cebuano culture and language is my personal bias (given that I have only heard the last two speakers HA HA HA). When he sings, his voice melted into us, touched me in a place that I didn’t know I could be touched, made the entire room engorged with warmth. He spoke about how tragic it was for Cebuanos to find their own language baduy. He was once told that he’d write and sing crap if pure Cebuano is integrated into his music, but that didn’t hinder him. He had a heart, he had a soul and he had a brimming passion in what he was doing and it was all so clear. He thanked us for patronizing being Cebuano, because by that we were keeping the rebellion alive. We were fighting against what the world was trying to push us towards. And I remember my History professor lecturing us being known to the world as Little Brown Americans and srsly, it sounded like little brown shit. (I’m not saying Americans are shit rather it’s shitty sad how we didn’t radiate our own identity.)
Nevertheless, I feel so stirred right now it’s astonishing. Ooh, the butterfly effect. How beautiful it is to believe you can change the world and know that we all start small. There’s such a yin and yang between responsibilities and living out what you aspire with your life, but what if we could have both? That would be just the most absurdly amazing and certainly that is what I hope for. I want to live so significantly and so overpoweringly and so enthusiastically and vehemently and wildly that I keep keeping on until I don’t even realize that I’m dead. Yep. Start small. Nothing’s stopping us.