Waking up from an afternoon nap to fleeting music and the sound of a world beyond the terrace is a fantastic thing. It’s been a week and a day since I moved out from my house to this condo. (Yes love, I finally did it!*eeep) I’m alone drinking chocolate out of a tea cup now and listening to Walk Off The Earth obnoxiously loud so that I stir up the meager hearts of thy neighbors. And I’m trying to weave a home out of this elf room. Also, redecorating the room to redecorate myself. Sometimes at night, I have two little piggies I need to hug and slap cos they’re sleeping in my bed. And just the littlest like that, I know how charmed my life is.
Good mornin’ honsies x
I think one of my favorite things of having no obligations in the morning, aside from waking up by rain and iced coffee is that when I sleep, I can fall asleep with my headphones in listening to soft sappy tunes and do pleasure reading until I fall asleep into another nice dreamless dream again. However today, I did have obligations— attend school. But I skipped it ‘cos I sent my little angel of a niece onto his way to our Big Daddy way way above. Yet another over depressing loss in the family it was.
This month I’m exhausted so often in the accurate calculation of :
stress = (distance tanke - talamban)^3(time of travel)^3(tangible and intangible expenses)^3(quizzes day after day after day after day)^3(nostalgia)^∞
and I feel beleaguered so many times a day and my sentiments get a hold of me at least eleven thousand times in an hour, but that’s just me feeling too much beyond predictable. Ed Sheeran’s new album, X, is hardly making me cope either. Most of the crowd would say I’m one tough lady but rly I’m just this one little waffle of a girl who needs all the help from a nutella spread like ¾ of the time. I used to glamorize my melancholy so much, but now i know it’s just as much a fraction of me as my happiness. I’m laughing again—the genuine kind. And I’d like to thank a lot of noteworthy people for that –the unwavering old and remarkable new.
*spilling misery then takes a nice nap under warm hugs of sheets
I felt aserefnozroca just belongs to me. I don’t want to change my url any longer. I don’t care about you guys who know me from the real sucky world and beyond. (Just stfu, and tell me you don’t know my blog and that would be comforting enough. i mean this is something i want to sequenter for myself so i’d really appreciate it if you do stfu) On that note, I need a new tag system. I’ve been keeping a journal and that’s keeping me from being here so i’m rly just tryna use my blog right now as a place for me to work myself up to get off my ass and do what i need to do. And I miss all of you sweethearts. It’s been a long time. Ah.
It’s strange coming across words I’ve written once upon a time somewhere in New York Ave.
”And then you showed up at the airport the second before I leave, heaving, breathing hard— a bit searching for air, a lot searching for me. And I stood there dumbstruck and we were a feet away. And I’m stuck like I’m afraid of taking steps in case they’re the wrong ones. But you called for me, so I came to you, weak in the knees. But then we are still a door apart. And you told me to take care and punch whoever foreign asshole messes with me. You told me to eat well and have fun. Gahd you told me a lot of things in a minute. But I was ¼ listening ¾ looking at you. Your hands shaking, lips quivering, and eyes burying into mine. You finished what appears to be a well-rehearsed declamation speech whilst I couldn’t even string a word for you.
And before I left , I watched the sky swallow the stars. You see you’re the sky in this metaphor. We fell in love like children in toy stores replacing “want” with “need” as if it made it less selfish. And so, I called the universe to swallow the gap between us, but she says she’s too full, to call back tomorrow. “
And it had been like that the whole time.
You (try to) figure me out and wear down my hesitations every single bajeezus time. Then there’s me always wedged piecing the situation into sense. My eyes are open and I’m not seeing a thing ‘cause I’m always always so lost (to whatever i never thought I had anyway) inside. So instead I wonder what my silence says. Because even if I cannot bring myself to say “yes, go on fight for me”,”hold on, we’re going home”, or “stay. just stay” cheese strings, I can’t bring my voice to say “no”. In its place, I made it so easy to make you walk out of my life. I didn’t mean to say goodbye that December but somehow it feels like it is.And somedays, an err kind of day like this, my mouth is bloody with “what if”. And all I am pulsing for all we just were. I’d say keep in touch but I know you wouldn’t want to make that mistake again.
I regret me, too. I regret me, too.
*People say goodbye and they take one last look. This, ladies and gentleman, is my one last look.
Love, always love,
((Note to self: Words how little they mean when you’re a little too late))
Erstwhile, sucking up all that was left of him into the little that was left of me to say goodbye. Someone needs to wring me out and hang me up to dry. This song isn’t helping either. My heart.
^ These shots were taken when we hop off to Mantatao Island. One of the best summer-ender.
I feel like my summer has been one drawn out hello goodbye. There were so much I had found. So much discovered, uncovered, recovered. There were so many things I have to fix as well; so many people I have to talk to. I don’t wanna end summer ‘cos then I’d have to say goodbye to someone who really matter. My life is a wonderful one. I just have to smooth over all the edges that I’ve roughed up in the past, errr, weeks?
In less than 11 hours, summer’s over. College shall commence. I hate the idea atm. Christ, make it stop.
Time, you slut.
The only way to get hurt in this life is to care. Lola cared more than most, loved more than most and was made to suffer more than most because of just how much she cared. But no matter how many times she was hammered down or made to bear things that no one should, she just kept coming back; caring more and loving more—opening herself up to even more aches. Yet there were never any protests or bitterness—it was the only way she knew how to live.
I thought Corazon Cabrera— my Lola — would live forever just because she was soooo stubborn. Maybe that was partly why I was named after you La, we were so much alike. Being stubborn sounds like a bad thing — but we know that it also means not quitting, and not giving up when there’s something you care about. You were so brave and I love every bit of you for that. I can’t thank you enough for your spaghetti and chicken and chocolates and every golden lesson learned and everything La, everything.
The sunset was beautiful— the kind of beautiful to die for. Rest in peace Lola Azon. You died on a beautiful day. Fly on.